By Smaktakula

Ha! Tell Me About It. There’s A “Steve” Story About This Very Thing!

Because we learn everything we need to know about the world from the headlines of the day!

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Police remove woman who yelled ‘Boring!’ during symphony ~ She’s only saying what everybody’s thinking.

The kilogram has gained weight ~ It sounds like maybe that European diet isn’t so healthy after all.

Hi there. What’s your sign? Have any STDs? ~ Smaktakula. Virgo. Genital wa…frankly, I don’t think that’s any of your business.

Teen narrowly escapes death after smoking synthetic marijuana ~ Coming within inches of claiming its first confirmed kill is quite an achievement considering that synthetic marijuana has only been around for about ten years or so. Real marijuana’s been around since the beginning of time and has never even come close to that level of lethality.

Girl who performed for Obama shot dead in Chicago ~ Look, it may seem a little harsh, but there’s the expectation that you’ll bring your A-game when you perform for the President.

Desperate dog makes 2-mile trek to find owner ~ I’m sorry, did you just say ‘two miles?’ TWO FUCKING MILES? Does the name Balto mean anything to you? Dammit, somebody fetch me a rolled-up newspaper!

“Is This What Has Become Of My Once-Proud People?”

Bodies of missing Mexican band members found in well. ~ So it sounds like all’s well that ends…sorry. Let’s try to put this one behind us, okay?

Court: Calif. may have to hire Wiccan chaplains ~ The First Amendment: No longer just for ‘real’ faiths.

What is “Mrs.” short for? … ~ The Mister’s!

Should You Start Your Own Chicken Coop? ~ If you give even a moment of your time to serious consideration of this question, then you’re a fucking nitwit.

Teen girl’s killing ignites widespread outrage: ‘Why did it have to be her’ ` Everybody was hoping it would be that little bitch Emily Dawkins from over on 11th Ave.

David Arquette Gives Adam Lambert B-Day Lap Dance ~ THIS JUST IN: Adam Lambert announces he is now straight.

Oh, It’s Assault For Sure, Not Least To The Senses.

A Cat’s 200-Mile Trek Home Leaves Scientists Guessing ~ That dog is looking less impressive by the second.

Why Do We Pay Waiters Better Than God? ~ Because God works for free, and even a dude from Honduras won’t do that.

Depressed teens mostly struggle alone ~ Well, sure–who wants to waste his or her life palling around with a Weepy Willy or Suzie So-Sad?

Dead pigs in Shanghai water supply don’t ring alarm bells for Chinese officials ~ ”What? You no like sweet & sour pork?”

First Person: It’s Hard to Send a Pet to Heaven ~ It gets a lot easier once you’ve stepped out of bed and into a steaming coil of dog poop three days in a row.

Sexist Men Like Big Boobs? Male Attitudes May Predict Breast Size Preference … ~ So men who don’t find you attractive are pigs. Is that what you’re getting at, A-Cup?

Look, You Guys Don’t Know Kylie Like I Do. She’s Super-Smart And Really, Really Funny. I Just Enjoy Spending Time With Them. With Her. I Enjoy Spending Time With Her.

UK One Of The Most Unhealthiest Western European Nations, Study Says ~ The study notes, however, that they have the most bestest grammar.

Customers want to know why Subway’s footlong subs aren’t 12 inches ~ Men already know the answer to that one.

Arizona Program Helps Latino Parents Navigate School System ~ They can find their way through the vast and unforgiving Sonoran Desert in the dead of a moonless night, but a third-rate educational system apparently poses too great a challenge.

13 Things Your Child’s Teacher Won’t Tell You ~ One, obviously, is that the little turd’s a halfwit, and that he oughtn’t set his vocational aspirations any higher than “seasonal laborer.”

Dolphins Call Each Other By Name ~ Curiously, all dolphins seem to have the same name, “E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!”

Women mistakenly shot in Calif. manhunt get apology and promise of a new truck ~ Hey, an apology! Most folks unlucky enough find themselves on the receiving end of American federal aggression just get the promises.

“You Had Better Hope They Don’t Find Gold In That Truck, Honey, Or Believe Me–They Will Snatch That Shit Back With A Quickness.”

Is ADHD a phony disorder? ~ Only the part about it being a disorder.

Christopher Dorner: Sparing housekeepers led to undoing ~ Oh my God, that is like Psycho-On-A-Rampage 101, dude! You ALWAYS grease the housekeeper. No exceptions, man.

Sibling fights may lead to depression, self-esteem issues ~ So it’s your fault Jenny can’t get her fat ass off the couch long enough to fill out a job application.

I’d rather hire a foreigner – they ‘push themselves more’ ~ I’d rather hire a local–they ‘converse more easily in English.’

Stop Pretending Disabled People Don’t Commit Crimes ~The annals of criminal history are replete with handi-capable hoodlums like “Palsy” Johnson, Twitchin’ Jimmy Reddenbacher and Mickey the Leper.

Limousine driver dies after striking pedestrian ~ The pedestrian, reporter Clark Kent, was said to be shaken but unharmed following the accident.

You Should Know–He’s Not A Very Nice Guy.